‘Tis the season to be resilient
We all have those ‘Now What?’ times when every day seems to bring with it some new unplanned challenge to deal with, along with rapidly diminishing time, money, and energy. Nowhere more so for many than in the run up to the festive season!
Joanne Hobbins, our in-house Psychology expert shares her thoughts on resilience at this time of year.
I must say that November was one of those months. As each new challenge presented itself, I told myself, “You can deal with it. It will get done. Keep going. No one is in mortal danger or ill, and it’s just one of those things.” But as I kept stuffing those challenges into my metaphorical bag (i.e. mental capacity), I eventually got to the point when my bag burst (like the American paper grocery bags you see in the comedy films spilling tins of soup, veg and fruit, all over the pavement), and I was messily trying to get myself back in order.
So, what do you do when the bag is broken, and there’s no capacity to repack it?
I deliver training on resilience, and I love it. I love the power of our minds, enabling us to reframe a situation so we can process what has happened, learn from it, and then move on.
Martin Seligman is the father of positive psychology; he talks about the 3Ps of resilience - three emotional reactions to adversity. He defined these 3 Ps to address the thoughts that can often lead us down a rabbit warren of negativity and helplessness. I refer to these as “unhelpful thoughts”. Going down this route does not help me move forward or give me a solution to pick the tins of soup up off the pavement and repack the metaphorical bag. Instead, it presents even more obstacles.
What are the 3 Ps of resilience?
Personalisation
The internal processing we do when we face a setback or failure and hold ourselves accountable. We blame ourselves, perhaps unfairly or with overly harsh judgement, making it harder to bounce back.
Pervasiveness
The ‘here we go again’ scenario, when one or two negative events seem to spread into a downward spiral, we brace ourselves for a bumpy ride.
Permanence
A belief that what is happening now will never end. If we believe it is forever, we often give up, and the ‘What is the point of trying?’ attitude becomes the norm.
How can we become more resilient?
Each of these 3 Ps can lead to a sense of overwhelming doom and gloom, where we can’t see the wood for the trees to define a way to solve our current predicament. If we took a step back, were kinder to ourselves and acknowledged that a negative event does not alone impact everything we do, nor does it determine future outcomes - well, we might be better able to handle everything life throws our way.
American educator, author, businessman, and keynote speaker Stephen Covey often wrote that we are the result of our choices, rather than our circumstances. I appreciate there are some parameters you cannot choose. For example, I did not choose for my tumble drier to break at the same time as my boiler, the same time my car windscreen imploded, the same time my electrics blew, and a pipe leaked through the ceiling!
Resilience is a gift we can give ourselves
I know that if you don’t think you have resilience, you can learn it, and it’s a wonderful gift that our brains have given us. We can develop counterarguments to the 3Ps, make them more factual than personal, come up with some specific areas effected rather than pervasive, and make it more transient than permanent.
I’ve been repairing my bag, trying to carve out some time to allow that to happen. But where does that time come from when life, work, and family all continue? Oh, if only there were a pause button that we could press when we just need a reset!
This is worth bearing in mind as we progress into the festive season when there is more stuff to do. More pressure we pile on ourselves to get it all done, whilst attending more events at school, work and socially, shopping, gift wrapping, and of course, looking gorgeous whilst we do it, wearing matching pyjamas and posting happy, smiling photos on Facebook and Instagram.
I don’t have a magic wand to create any more time or a family that happily plays a board game without a fallout, but I can reassure you that you are not on your own. If you find yourself getting bogged down with pressure, trying to pick up the groceries off the pavement, reach out to a friend, family or even a professional.
If it will help, squeeze your own hand and just see if there is something you can take off your to-do list - it is the gift-giving time of year, so gift yourself some deep breaths, take a step back, and try a reframe.